Guilt

Written by Mom

Madison had her 2nd 3 month appointment with the endocrinologist.  Her A1C wasn't great but wasn't too bad.  At one point I was talking with the nutritionist explaining that I try to find a balance of having it be a big deal but not so big of a deal that it becomes her entire life.  I started crying.  I'm not even sure why and although I shouldn't have been I was embarrassed.  I didn't go in feeling overburdened or stressed or emotional and yet there it came. 

As a family we have always had a one treat a day rule.  Since she was about 3 Madison has followed that rule.  Now I read blogs of other parents and it seems that everyone is on the same page as far as kids being able to eat whatever they want, however, they always seem to say that it should only be occasionally that they have a treat.  I struggle with wondering if my one treat a day (which if most people tried, they would realize is actually quite limiting) is now too much sugar.  As much as I don't want her to think that diabetes is her entire life, I also want her to keep her blood sugars at normal levels.  It's a hard balance.  I'm finding that having someone with Diabetes adds a lot of guilt onto an already guilt ridden parent.

As for the gluten thing, I feel like we have a pretty good handle on that.  When she was first diagnosed I thought it would be a nightmare but overall it really isn't too hard.  It is a pain when you're out and about but as far as being at home goes, it's not bad.  A lot of foods are naturally gluten free and oddly enough Madison never was a bread lover.  She didn't like pizza, preferred grilled chicken to breaded chicken, liked "sandwiches" without the bread (meat and cheese in a bag), and wasn't keen on usual kid's favorites like corn dogs, goldfish, crackers in general, cheese crisps, mac and cheese, etc.  Although these things didn't make her sick I think her body knew.  Either that or it was just a tender mercy that she didn't prefer these things.  I have adopted gluten free eating myself and find that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything even though I am a bread lover.   There are enough other things that I can still eat that I don't miss it. 

I often wonder how long she had had celiac before being diagnosed.  She didn't show any signs of it.  I also wonder often if we had known about the celiac and stopped eating gluten if we could have avoided the diabetes.  It doesn't help to wonder but I still do.

Eventually, hopefully, we'll get a better handle on the Diabetes but for now we'll try to let it not consume her life.  It just doesn't make sense to have a 10 year old worry constantly that she's not keeping tight control of her sugars especially when we are trying very hard to but her body is still highly unpredictable.  Is it like this for all newly diagnosed Type 1 Diabetics?  They call this the "honeymoon" but nothing about it has felt like a honeymoon.